Is this my search history? Processing tutorial for beginners seventeen tabs open about perlin noise while Ableton's been bouncing same track for forty minutes forgot I started that but got distracted by twitter thread about creative coding where someone made particles follow mouse in p5.js which reminded me need to finish that generative art piece started three months ago but first let me check youtube for TouchDesigner tutorials even though I haven't opened it since installing because installation took four hours and seventeen different Microsoft Visual C++ redistributables don't know what those do but apparently need all of them meanwhile discord pinging about new Max MSP update that breaks everything again so everyone's sharing patches that don't work anymore but we pretend they do while secretly googling "how to make generative music" for thousandth time as if this time will be different from last time when I spent six hours watching modular synth videos instead of actually making anything but making things is hard when you can just watch other people make things and feel like you're learning even though learning requires doing and doing requires closing youtube but youtube has that new CODING TRAIN video about cellular automata which obviously I need to watch right now even though I have fourteen unwatched coding train videos in watch later playlist that grows faster than I can watch because every tutorial leads to three more tutorials in endless fractal of learning without doing doing nothing but collecting links saving bookmarks hoarding inspiration like digital dragon except instead of gold it's creative coding sketches I'll never actually code but might reference someday for project that exists only in my head where it's perfect unlike reality where my Processing sketch throws null pointer exception because I forgot to initialize array again googling same error for hundredth time because remembering solutions is harder than searching for them again and stackoverflow has answer from 2011 that still works but has forty comments arguing about whether it's best practice while I just want my particles to move without crashing entire sketch which finally works but looks nothing like inspiration images I saved on pinterest board titled "generative art inspiration" containing three thousand pins I've looked at maybe twice but continuing to pin because what if I need reference for specific type of particle system someday even though every particle system I make looks like discount screensaver from windows 98 but calling it generative art makes it sound intentional intentionally procrastinating actual work by diving into another rabbit hole this time about live coding music with TidalCycles which requires learning Haskell apparently but first need to understand SuperCollider but before that should probably actually learn music theory beyond "pentatonic scale sounds good" but theory is boring when you can just twist knobs in Ableton until something sounds acceptable then layer reverb until it sounds "atmospheric" which is code for "I don't know what I'm doing but reverb hides mistakes" like how instagram filters hide existential dread but we don't talk about that just post another work-in-progress screenshot of code that will never be finished because starting new projects is dopamine but finishing requires discipline and discipline is harder than opening new tab to research "best vst plugins 2024" even though still haven't learned ones I bought during black friday 2019 but surely this new plugin will be the one that makes me productive productive procrastination they call it when you're learning about making things instead of making things but at least I'm not scrolling tiktok wait actually I am scrolling tiktok between youtube videos because attention span shorter thanSHADER code I pretend to understand copy pasting from shadertoy trying to integrate into p5.js sketch but math is hard and I failed linear algebra twice which explains why my shaders look like someone melted gpu but it's aesthetic if you call it glitch art and add scan lines even though scan lines are played out according to discourse on creative coding twitter where everyone argues about whether generative art is real art while making variations of same flow field with different colors claiming innovation when really just changing random seed but random seed gives different results so technically unique like snowflakes if snowflakes were made of math and disappointment disappointed in myself for spending another evening watching tutorials instead of making anything but tomorrow will be different tomorrow I'll actually open that project file wait which project was I working on have seventeen different folders named "untitled_experiment" and "new_project_FINAL" and "new_project_FINAL_FINAL" and "new_project_FINAL_FINAL_actuallyFinal" none of which are final just different stages of abandonment like archaeological layers of creative failure each containing half-finished idea that seemed brilliant at 2am but looks like garbage in daylight so starting fresh with new project because blank canvas has infinite potential unlike work-in-progress which has infinite problems probably should organize files but organization requires admitting how many unfinished projects exist and that number is emotionally devastating so instead opening Ableton to make "quick beat" which turns into three hour session of scrolling through samples trying to find perfect kick drum that doesn't exist but maybe this sample pack will have it downloading another 5GB of samples I'll use once then forget about adding to collection of 2TB of samples and plugins representing thousands of dollars spent on tools to make music I don't make because too busy researching tools to make music circular logic that makes sense at 3am when watching modular synth videos dreaming of eurorack setup that costs more than car but would definitely make me more creative because limitations breed creativity except when limitation is skill then we just buy more gear hoping gear will compensate for practice we're not doing because practicing is hard and buying things is easy especially when sweetwater offers 36 month financing on dreams you'll never achieve but at least payment plan makes them feel achievable

achievable goals like finally understanding Three.js enough to make something that isn't just spinning cube but every tutorial starts with spinning cube so I have folder full of spinning cubes with different lighting like pokemon evolution except they don't evolve just spin eternally in browser tabs I forgot about until Chrome starts using 16GB of RAM and laptop sounds like jet engine taking off which reminds me still need to clean dust from fans but that would require stopping and stopping means confronting reality where I'm not actually creative coder just tutorial watcher collecting knowledge I don't apply like those people who read productivity books instead of being productive but at least they're reading I'm just watching youtube at 2x speed pretending that's efficient when really just trying to consume more content faster as if quantity could substitute for quality but quality requires understanding and understanding requires slowing down and slowing down feels like falling behind in race nobody's running toward destination nobody's defined but we're all sprinting anyway through endless feeds of other people's work feeling simultaneously inspired and inadequate inadequately prepared for creative work because spent all time preparing to do creative work instead of doing it but doing it requires vulnerability and vulnerability is scary when everyone else seems to know what they're doing posting polished work on instagram while I'm still trying to center div in css after five years of web development but centering divs is solved problem just use flexbox except when you need grid except when you need absolute positioning except when you need to support internet explorer wait do we still support internet explorer checking caniuse for browser compatibility even though personal project nobody will see but what if someone using netscape navigator wants to see my generative art that I haven't made yet because still researching color theory even though only use black and white because "minimalist aesthetic" sounds better than "scared of color" but color is just wavelength and I understand wavelength from that physics simulation I made wait no that was tutorial I watched about making physics simulation SIMULATION of productivity while actually just consuming endless stream of how-to content without how-to-ing anything myself but self is construct anyway according to philosophy youtube channel I watch between coding tutorials and music production livestreams where people make entire track in one hour while I spend one hour choosing snare sound then closing DAW in frustration because nothing sounds like reference track I'm trying to copy but copying isn't creative but nothing is original everything is remix according to that documentary I watched instead of remixing anything myself but myself is too tired from staying up watching tutorials to actually follow tutorials circular logic sleep deprivation creating feedback loop where less sleep means less focus means more tutorials needed to understand simple concepts that weren't simple when you're running on coffee and determination to finally finish something anything even if it's just readme file for project that doesn't exist yet but good documentation is important according to blog post I read about best practices for creative coding which is ironic because creative shouldn't need best practices but here we are following rules about how to break rules creatively within constraints we set for ourselves then break immediately because squiggly line looked better than straight line even though spent twenty minutes trying to make it straight before remembering randomness is feature not bug in generative art where bugs become features if you call them emergent behavior emerging from code I copied from stackoverflow without understanding why it works just that it does work until it doesn't then back to stackoverflow to copy different code that also works until it doesn't in endless cycle of trial and error without learning from errors because learning would require reading documentation and documentation is boring when you could be watching video where someone explains it poorly but with enthusiasm making you feel like you understand when really you just understand their enthusiasm not their explanation but explanation doesn't matter if result looks cool and cool is subjective anyway so declaring my glitch art intentional even though it's just javascript error manifesting visually but visual errors can be beautiful if you add enough grain and call it aesthetic choosing aesthetic over understanding because understanding is hard and aesthetic is just opinion and opinions are like creative projects everyone has one they never finish finishing would require starting and starting would require deciding and deciding would require choosing between infinite possibilities which is paralysing so instead researching decision making frameworks for creative work as if framework could replace intuition but intuition says stop researching start making but making is scary what if it's bad what if years of consuming creative content hasn't actually taught me to create content just to recognize good content when I see it which makes everything I make look bad by comparison comparing constantly to artists who've been practicing while I've been preparing to practice someday when I have right tools right knowledge right moment but right never comes just more tutorials more plugins more excuses disguised as preparation for creative work that gets pushed to tomorrow where it lives with all other tomorrows I've accumulated like debt except debt has interest and abandoned projects just have guilt GUILT driven productivity is still productivity right writing todo lists of creative projects while watching netflix documentary about creative people who actually finish things they start which inspires me to start new project abandoning old project that was inspired by previous documentary in endless cycle of inspiration without perspiration because sweating is for people who actually work not just think about working while scrolling through arena.are.na channels collecting references for aesthetic I haven't defined but know it when I see it even though everything I make looks nothing like references I collect because collecting is easier than creating and creating requires risk and risk means possible failure and failure means confirming suspicion that maybe I'm not creative just creative adjacent existing in proximity to creativity without actually creating anything except elaborate folder structures for projects that don't exist yet but might someday if I ever stop watching tutorials about how to start which is ironic because starting is only thing you can't learn from tutorial you just have to start but starting means stopping this endless consumption of creative content and actually creating content which sounds hard so maybe just one more youtube video about creative coding surely this one will be the one that finally makes everything click even though clicking is what got me into this mess of tabs and tutorials and half-finished projects and fully-formed excuses for why they're not finished yet

yet another framework drops this week solving problems I didn't know I had creating new problems I don't want but apparently need to learn because everyone on tech twitter says it's game changer even though game hasn't changed just rules got more complicated and I'm still trying to understand rules from last game changer which already got deprecated in favor of newer game changer that'll be deprecated next month when newer newer game changer drops but dropping knowledge like it's hot except it's cold by time I learn it because pace of change faster than pace of learning leading to perpetual beginner syndrome where every project uses different stack because best practices changed between starting and continuing never mind finishing finishing implies starting and starting implies choosing and choosing is hardest part when every choice leads to different rabbit hole of dependencies and build tools and configuration files that take longer to setup than actual creative work but setup is part of process right setting up perfect development environment like arranging desk before writing except desk arrangement becomes procrastination and before you know it spent three days configuring vim even though barely know how to exit vim but aesthetic of coding in terminal makes me feel like real programmer even though real programmers probably use whatever works and get things done while I'm still deciding between color schemes for syntax highlighting that perfectly matches mechanical keyboard rgb which took four hours to configure but typing experience is important for productivity even though productivity measured in words per minute of configuration files not actual code but configuration is code right RIGHT justify anything if you try hard enough including spending entire weekend setting up perfect creative coding environment then too exhausted to actually code creatively so watching coding livestream instead where someone builds entire application in two hours while I can't even decide on folder structure but folder structure is important for scalability even though personal project will never scale beyond local host but what if it goes viral better to be prepared with proper architecture than refactor later except later never comes because project never ships because shipping requires finishing and finishing requires starting and we've already established starting is impossible when infinite tutorials exist about better ways to start starting tutorial collection growing faster than javascript framework ecosystem which is saying something because new framework drops every time I refresh twitter which I do constantly because what if miss important thread about creative coding technique that would finally unlock potential I'm convinced exists somewhere beneath layers of tutorial consumption and tool acquisition acquiring knowledge without applying it like hoarding vegetables you'll never cook but they look nice in fridge until they rot which is perfect metaphor for my github repos full of initial commits and readme files describing ambitious projects that exist only in imagination where they're perfect unlike reality where code has bugs and bugs require debugging and debugging requires understanding and understanding requires more than skimming documentation while listening to podcast about productivity which is ironic because listening to productivity podcast while trying to code is definitionally unproductive but multitasking makes me feel efficient even though efficiency is just anxiety dressed in business casual casual relationship with actually finishing anything but serious relationship with planning to finish everything eventually when stars align and motivation strikes and inspiration flows and all other conditions perfectly met ignoring fact that conditions are never perfect and waiting for perfect is perfect excuse to do nothing while feeling busy because busy is badge of honor in culture that confuses motion with progress progressing through tutorials playlist like speedrunning education except education requires retention and retention requires practice and practice requires doing and doing is what I'm avoiding by watching more tutorials about doing circular logic so perfect it's almost art if art could be made of procrastination and good intentions INTENTIONS paving road to creative hell where all unfinished projects go to die except they don't die just haunt hard drive like digital ghosts reminding me of potential unrealized but realizing potential requires work and work is hard when infinite entertainment exists one tab away so tab switching between code editor and youtube between documentation and discord between intention and distraction until forgot what was trying to do in first place so opening new tab to search for inspiration which leads to another tutorial which leads to another framework which leads to another project idea to add to list of projects that'll never see light of day because daylight harsh on work in progress and everything is perpetually work in progress when progress means adding to list not crossing off but crossing off requires completing and completing requires sustained effort and sustained effort requires closing youtube which requires willpower and willpower depleted from decision fatigue of choosing between infinite options for everything from color palette to architecture pattern pattern recognition would suggest I'm stuck in loop but recognizing pattern doesn't break it just makes it visible like those magic eye images where you can see dolphin but seeing dolphin doesn't change fact it's just dots arranged specifically to trick brain into seeing pattern that isn't really there which might be metaphor for my entire creative practice practicing avoiding practice by studying theory of practice while actual practitioners just practice without thinking about it too much but thinking too much is my core competency along with bookmarking interesting articles I'll never read and saving tutorials I'll never finish and planning projects I'll never start but at least planning feels productive even if producing nothing but plans for plans about planning to eventually do something someday maybe tomorrow definitely tomorrow unless new tutorial drops tonight which it probably will because content creation machine never stops and neither does my consumption of content about creating content instead of creating content myself but self is construct anyway according to that philosophy video I watched between shader tutorials and music theory lessons that I'll definitely apply to next track which I'll definitely start after organizing sample library which has been ongoing project for three years but organization important for workflow even though workflow doesn't exist because work doesn't exist just flow of tutorials and tweets and discord messages about other people's work that makes me simultaneously inspired to create and paralyzed by comparison comparing constantly to people who ship while I'm still in port planning voyage to creative island that gets further away with each tutorial watched because watching feels like progress but progress is illusion when moving in circles but circles are just loops and loops are fundamental to programming so maybe I'm not procrastinating just iterating very slowly on becoming person who makes things instead of person who watches other people make things but iteration implies change and only thing changing is size of tutorial playlist and number of unfinished projects and amount of guilt about both but guilt is just motivation in disguise right disguising procrastination as preparation since 2019 and showing no signs of stopping because stopping would require starting and we've covered why that's impossible when perfect tutorial is just one search away

away from understanding everything but understanding nothing because breadth without depth is just surface tension holding together illusion of knowledge that breaks moment you try to apply it but application requires confidence and confidence comes from experience and experience comes from doing and doing requires starting which brings us back to fundamental problem of infinite choice paralysis paralyzed by possibilities spending hours researching best way to do simple task that would take minutes if just picked any way and did it but what if there's better way what if missing crucial optimization what if code isn't clean enough for imaginary code review by developers who don't exist because project doesn't exist because still researching best practices for project type I haven't defined but definition requires decision and decision tree has infinite branches each leading to different tutorial series on youtube where someone explains their way is best way until next video autoplays explaining why that way is actually worst way and real best way is completely different approach requiring different tools and different mindset and different everything except result which is same hello world application with extra steps but those extra steps are what separate amateurs from professionals according to blog post written by someone selling course about becoming professional which I almost buy before remembering have fourteen other courses I haven't started but this one seems different this one has roadmap and roadmaps are important for navigating complexity even though complexity is often self-imposed by choosing complex solutions to simple problems but simple doesn't get engagement and engagement is currency in attention economy where everyone's creative output measured in likes and shares rather than personal satisfaction but personal satisfaction doesn't pay bills neither does my creative output because hard to monetize projects that don't exist EXIST is strong word for what my projects do which is hover in quantum superposition between idea and reality collapsing into neither when observed too closely so I avoid looking directly at them peripheral vision only where they maintain illusion of progress progressing toward what exactly nobody knows least of all me but forward motion feels important even when running on treadmill powered by tutorial videos and medium articles about why medium articles are bad for learning but reading article about why articles are bad which is peak meta procrastination disguised as education educating myself about educating myself about educating myself recursive loop so deep I've forgotten what original topic was probably something about creative coding or music production or that intersection where they meet in beautiful audiovisual performances I watch on youtube instead of creating because creating requires skills I'm perpetually acquiring but never quite acquired enough to feel ready and ready is moving target that stays perfectly out of reach no matter how many tutorials watched or tools purchased or frameworks learned learned is generous description of what happens when information passes through brain without sticking like teflon coated neurons rejecting knowledge that isn't immediately applicable but nothing immediately applicable when everything is preparation for future project that exists only in dimension where I have infinite time and energy and motivation and skill and all other resources currently lacking but lacking resources is just excuse when people create amazing things with less but they probably didn't spend three hours comparing text editors before writing single line of code or maybe they did and just don't talk about it because nobody wants to admit how much time wasted on optimization that doesn't optimize anything except ability to avoid actual work working definition of work expanding to include everything except actually making things so researching making things counts as work learning about making things counts as work thinking about making things counts as work everything counts except making things because making things might result in things that aren't good and not good is worse than not existing at least in my head where everything perfect until it meets reality reality being harsh judge of creative output especially when creative output is just tutorial code with different variable names but naming variables is hardest problem in computer science according to meme I saw while avoiding computer science homework that would actually teach me computer science but formal education feels slow when youtube exists and youtube never sleeps unlike me who should be sleeping instead of watching one more video about topic I'll forget by morning but morning me is future me and current me doesn't care about future me's problems which is why future me has so many problems including but not limited to folder full of unfinished projects each representing moment when inspiration met reality and reality won but winning implies competition and only competition is with myself and I'm losing but losing implies playing and playing implies starting and starting still impossible so technically haven't lost just forfeited by default which sounds worse but feels better because at least didn't try and fail just failed to try which is different type of failure that's easier to live with until 3am when existential weight of unused potential crushes soul but soul crushing builds character right CHARACTER development through suffering except suffering self-imposed and could end moment I close youtube and open text editor but text editor already open just hidden behind seventeen browser tabs each representing different direction I could go but won't because choosing direction requires committing and commitment scary when infinite possibilities exist in theory even though practice would reveal most possibilities are just variations of same thing with different syntax but syntax is just surface and surface is where I live because diving deep requires holding breath and I'm already drowning in shallow end of creative pool where everyone splashing around pretending to swim but nobody actually moving just treading water in place which would be fine if water wasn't rising but water always rising in form of new frameworks new tools new techniques new ways to not make things while feeling productive about not making things productivity theater performed daily for audience of one who's also the critic and critic says not good enough yet maybe after one more tutorial

tutorial induced coma where knowledge goes in but nothing comes out except plans for more knowledge acquisition like educational eating disorder consuming without digesting until bloated with information that serves no purpose except making me feel educated while producing nothing educational unless you count lengthy reddit comments about why certain framework is overrated while secretly bookmarking tutorials about same framework because what if everyone else is right and I'm wrong wouldn't be first time wrong about technical choices like spending month learning library that got deprecated week after finally understanding it but understanding is relative when every abstraction built on other abstractions all the way down to transistors flipping states faster than I can flip between tabs trying to find that one stackoverflow answer that explained everything perfectly but didn't bookmark because thought I'd remember but memory is just chrome history and chrome history is graveyard of good intentions and half-read documentation and abandoned code pens where experiments went to die but dying implies they lived and most never got past setup phase which takes longer each year as tools get more sophisticated and I get less patient with sophistication that adds complexity without adding value but value is subjective and subjects are objects in javascript which still confuses me after years of pretending to understand prototypical inheritance while copying patterns I don't comprehend but work anyway until they don't then debugging by console.log because real debugging requires understanding execution context and execution context requires mental model and mental model requires sustained attention which is incompatible with notification-driven workflow where every ping could be important but usually isn't just discord message about new tutorial someone found or twitter thread about drama in community I'm adjacent to but not really part of because participation requires creating and creating requires finishing something anything even if just README file but readme files are promises to future self and future self has enough broken promises already so why add more meanwhile present self continues accumulating tutorials like someone preparing for apocalypse where only currency is knowing multiple ways to implement same algorithm badly but at least badly is something compared to nothing which is current output unless you count anxiety about current output which is substantial but unproductive like most of my creative process if process implies movement rather than elaborate standing still disguised as preparation for movement that never comes because always one more thing to learn before ready to start but ready is lie told by fear dressed as perfectionism pretending to have standards while having no actual work to apply standards to which is convenient because can maintain impossibly high standards for work that doesn't exist existing in liminal space between consumer and creator consuming creation content without creating anything except elaborate justifications for why not creating yet still building skills still learning fundamentals still preparing for moment when everything clicks and suddenly transform from tutorial watcher to tutorial maker but transformation requires practice and practice requires starting and starting requires accepting that first attempts will be bad but bad is relative and relatives don't understand why spending so much time on computer without producing anything tangible but tangible is overrated in digital age where everything ephemeral anyway including motivation which comes in waves usually at 2am when should be sleeping but instead opening new project file that'll be abandoned by morning when harsh light of day reveals ambition exceeded ability again again and again in cycle so predictable could set watch to it if watches still relevant but time is construct anyway according to physics video watched between processing tutorials and music theory videos that definitely helped understand why my beats sound off beat but understanding problem different from solving problem and solving requires doing and doing requires energy and energy spent watching other people do things I should be doing but they do them better so why bother bothering would imply caring and caring hurts when results don't match vision so easier to have vision without results than results without vision at least that's what I tell myself at 3am when scrolling through creative coding instagram feeling mixture of inspiration and despair that tastes like red bull and regret but regret implies action and inaction can't be regretted only contemplated while queueing up next tutorial about framework that promises to make everything easier but easier just means more complex in different way and different doesn't mean better just different but maybe different is what I need or maybe need to stop needing and start doing but doing sounds hard and tutorial just started and presenter seems really enthusiastic about this particular approach to solving problem I don't have but might have someday if ever get past hello world phase of every new technology learned but not mastered mastery being illusion anyway according to podcast about impostor syndrome which felt personally attacked but also validating because if everyone feels like impostor then nobody is which is comforting until realize some impostors actually ship things while others just accumulate tutorials and I know which category I'm in but knowledge without action is just trivia and I'm full of trivia about technologies I barely use beyond toy examples that prove I can follow instructions but following instructions isn't creating just replicating and replication isn't art unless you're warhol but I'm not warhol I'm just someone with folder full of half-finished projects and browser full of tutorials and head full of ideas that never meet reality because reality has bugs and bugs require debugging and debugging requires patience I've spent on watching tutorials about debugging instead of actually debugging but actual debugging would require actual code and actual code would require actual starting and we've established that's impossible when there's always one more video to watch one more article to read one more framework to learn one more excuse to make before facing fact that I'm creative in theory but not in practice and practice is what counts but counting implies measurement and measurement implies standards and standards imply judgment and judgment is what I'm avoiding by staying in perpetual state of preparation for creative work that never arrives because arrival would require journey and journey would require first step and first step is hardest when every direction looks equally promising and equally terrifying so standing still feels safest even though stillness is death for creative ambition but ambition without action is just fantasy and fantasy is comfortable place to live until credit card bill arrives for all those courses and plugins and tools that were definitely going to make difference this time but only difference they made is to bank account not creative output which remains theoretical like everything else in life lived through screens watching other people live their dreams while mine remain safely contained in todo list that grows longer every day but never shorter because crossing things off requires completing them and completion foreign concept when infinity tutorials exist about everything except how to actually finish something but finishing isn't content that drives engagement so nobody makes those tutorials and cycle continues unbroken like while loop without exit condition running forever or until hardware fails whichever comes first but probably forever because hardware upgradeable but habits harder to break than badly written code which is only kind I write when I write at all which is rarely because writing code requires decisions and decisions are hard when every choice could be wrong so making no choice feels safest even though safe is just another word for stagnant but stagnant sounds harsh so call it iterative planning phase that's been going on for years now with no sign of ending because ending would require beginning and beginning would require courage I spent on other things like arguing about vim vs emacs when I use vscode anyway but arguing feels like participating in community even though real participation would involve contributing code not just opinions about code but opinions are free and code costs time and time is precious resource I waste on everything except what matters which is making things that exist outside my head but inside head is safe space where everything works perfectly until try to implement then reality crashes program and enthusiasm simultaneously leading back to youtube for comfort where someone else solving problems I don't have yet but might someday when finally start project that's definitely happening tomorrow or next week or next year or never but probably never and knowing that should motivate change but knowledge without action is just sadness with citations

citations stacking up like unread notifications each representing someone else's success story about learning to code in three months and landing dream job while I'm three years into learning basics that keep changing faster than I can learn them but that's excuse and excuses are comfortable blanket protecting from cold reality of creative failure that isn't even failure because requires attempt and attempt requires start and start requires decision and decision paralysis is real diagnosis I gave myself after reading article about productivity that made me less productive by adding another framework to think about instead of just doing but doing is scary when everyone else seems to know what they're doing posting elaborate creative coding pieces while my best work is hello world with random colors that I called generative art because random equals generative right right answers don't exist in creative field but wrong answers definitely do and fear of wrong keeps me from trying anything beyond tutorials where right answer provided in description or comments section where people argue about better ways while I'm just happy mine works at all when it works which is sometimes depending on browser and phase of moon and whether remembered semicolon but javascript doesn't need semicolons except when it does and inconsistency makes me anxious like everything about creative work where rules are guidelines and guidelines are suggestions and suggestions are ignored in favor of what looks good but good is subjective and subjective is terrifying when used to objective measures like test scores and grades that don't exist in creative field where everything judged by invisible standards nobody agrees on but everyone pretends to understand understanding being currency in communities where knowledge performed through discourse about tools rather than output from tools but output requires input and input requires effort and effort is finite resource already depleted by endless scrolling through inspiration that inspires nothing but inadequacy and desire to close laptop and do something else but something else isn't option when identity wrapped up in being creative person who creates nothing but consumes everything created by others in hope osmosis will transfer skills without practice but practice makes perfect and perfect is enemy of good and good is enemy of done and done is enemy of perfection so circular logic prevents any progress except through tutorial playlist measuring advancement by percentage watched rather than concepts understood or things made MADE implies finished state that doesn't exist in perpetual work in progress mindset where everything beta version of something that might be good eventually but eventually never comes just eternal now of watching other people's eventually become reality while mine remains theoretical physics of creativity where observation changes outcome so I don't observe too closely afraid measurement will collapse waveform of potential into particle of disappointment but disappointment requires expectation and expectation requires hope and hope is dangerous when pattern recognition suggests failure more likely than success but success poorly defined anyway just vague notion of making something worth sharing but worth is determined by others and others are harsh critics especially internal other who says everything garbage before even starting so why start when can maintain illusion of competence through consumption of competence-adjacent content that teaches everything except how to overcome fear of starting which is only lesson needed but can't be taught only experienced and experience requires action and action requires decision and decision requires accepting possibility of failure and failure unacceptable when spent so much time preparing for success that never comes because preparation never complete always one more tutorial one more tool one more technique to master before ready but ready is moving finish line in race nobody else running but feels like competition anyway probably with past self who had more energy and optimism before years of tutorial accumulation crushed spirit under weight of unused knowledge like library of alexandria if alexandria was just bookmarks to youtube videos and half-remembered blog posts about best practices that change every six months making previous learning obsolete but not obsolete enough to ignore completely just deprecated like my ambitions ambitions that shrink with each passing year from changing world to making something cool to just finishing anything at all but even that feels impossible when starting requires choosing between infinite options paralyzed by possibility matrix of choices each leading to different future where I'm different person who actually makes things instead of just thinking about making things but thinking easier than doing and easier path always wins when motivation is finite resource competing with infinite distraction machine designed to capture attention and monetize procrastination dressed as education but education without application is just entertainment with pretensions and pretense is exhausting to maintain so dropping it here in stream of consciousness that won't help anyone but at least exists which is more than can say for creative projects that haunt hard drive like ghosts of ambition past reminding me of who I wanted to be before settled for who I am which is someone who watches tutorials about being someone else someone productive someone creative someone who ships but shipping requires finishing and finishing requires starting and starting requires accepting imperfection and imperfection is all I have to offer but offering requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires courage spent on maintaining facade of productivity through careful curation of tools and workflows that would be impressive if produced anything but only production is heat from laptop fan spinning while browser struggles under weight of tabs each representing different direction I could go but won't because choosing is harder than collecting options like digital hoarder but hoarding knowledge instead of newspapers though both equally useless when never referenced or applied just accumulated in hope that quantity will transform into quality through alchemy of time but time just makes pile bigger not better and bigger pile harder to sort through so adding more instead of organizing existing which would require admitting most is useless but admitting that would mean confronting years of wasted potential and wasted potential is heaviest weight to carry heavier than laptop bag full of chargers for devices that promise productivity but deliver distraction packaged as possibility possibly could be creating right now but instead writing about not creating which is meta procrastination achieving new level of avoidance by acknowledging avoidance without addressing it like therapy without change just awareness that changes nothing except now conscious of unconscious patterns that keep me stuck in loop of perpetual preparation for moment that never arrives always tomorrow always after this tutorial always once I understand this concept but understanding is infinite regression of prerequisites each requiring other prerequisites until lost in dependency tree of knowledge that branches forever without bearing fruit but fruit requires seasons and seasons require time and time is what I've wasted but at least wasted it learning even if learning hasn't led to doing and doing is only thing that matters in end but end keeps getting pushed further away by beginning that never begins because beginning requires decision I'm incapable of making when every option seems equally valid and equally pointless so choosing none by choosing all simultaneously existing in quantum superposition of creative potential that collapses into nothing when observed but at least nothing is something compared to nothing which would be worse but not by much

much difference between nothing and something that amounts to nothing but at least something took effort even if effort misdirected toward avoiding real effort required to make real things that exist in real world instead of theoretical framework of maybe someday eventually possibly getting around to starting project that's been in planning phase since 2019 but planning is progress right collecting references assembling mood boards bookmarking tutorials creating elaborate folder structures for projects that don't need folders because they don't contain files because files require content and content requires creation and creation requires starting which we've established is impossible impossibly high standards for work that doesn't exist yet but might someday if ever overcome paralysis induced by seeing everyone else's finished work while sitting on pile of unstarted ideas that seemed brilliant at conception but conception easier than birth and birth requires labor and labor is painful so avoiding pain by avoiding labor by avoiding birth by avoiding conception by watching other people's babies grow into fully formed projects while mine remain embryonic potential in womb of imagination where they're safe from criticism including my own which is harshest critic despite having nothing to critique except absence of attempt but absence can be critiqued for what it represents which is fear dressed as perfectionism wearing mask of preparation for day that never comes when finally ready to begin but beginning requires ending this cycle of perpetual consumption without production like eating without digestion just accumulating mass without nutrition getting heavier but not stronger weaker actually from weight of carrying around unused knowledge like textbooks for classes never attended but feeling educated anyway because watched lectures online at 2x speed pretending absorption rate matches playback rate but comprehension requires contemplation and contemplation requires time not spent immediately moving to next video in endless playlist of other people's expertise making me expert in recognizing expertise without possessing any myself MYSELF being construct built from consumption patterns rather than creation patterns identifying more with what I watch than what I make which is nothing but nothing doesn't define identity as clearly as carefully curated collection of interests that suggest creativity without requiring proof of creative output outputting only comments and likes and bookmarks and saves but never original content because original requires risk and risk requires acceptance of judgment and judgment is what paralyzed me in first place so circle completes itself eating its own tail like tutorial playlist on repeat learning same concepts different ways hoping repetition will transform into understanding but understanding without application is just trivia for dinner party I'll never attend because too busy watching tutorials about social skills after creative coding tutorials after music production tutorials after philosophy tutorials that explain why I watch tutorials instead of doing things but knowing why doesn't change behavior just adds layer of self-awareness that makes it worse because now conscious of pattern but consciousness doesn't break pattern just illuminates it like debugging code by adding console.log everywhere until output is just description of problem without solution but at least problem visible even if solution isn't forthcoming coming forth would require motion and motion requires energy currently spent maintaining status quo of perpetual preparation for future that recedes at same rate I approach it like chasing horizon that stays exactly same distance away no matter how fast I run but running implies movement and movement implies progress and progress is illusion when running on treadmill of tutorial consumption burning calories but going nowhere except deeper into debt both financial and emotional from courses purchased but not completed tools bought but not used time spent but not invested investing would imply return but only return is deeper understanding of how much I don't understand which grows proportionally with amount learned creating expanding circle of ignorance illuminated by knowledge just enough to see how much darkness remains remaining stationary while world spins around creating illusion of movement through parallax but parallax is just perspective trick and perspective is everything when trying to justify inaction as strategic patience waiting for right moment that passed years ago but didn't notice because too busy preparing for it arrival like missing train while studying schedule but schedule keeps changing and track keeps moving and destination unclear anyway so maybe better to stay in station where it's safe and warm and full of other people also waiting for trains that might never come but at least we're waiting together in community of perpetual preparation comparing notes about which tutorials are best for learning things we'll never use but might need someday for projects we'll never start but could if we wanted to but wanting isn't problem having too many wants is problem because every want leads different direction and choosing one means abandoning others and abandonment feels like failure even though not choosing is bigger failure but doesn't feel like it in moment because moment always contains another tutorial another article another course another excuse to delay decision that would commit me to path I might regret but regret requires action and inaction can't be regretted only contemplated endlessly like philosophical problem with no solution except to stop thinking and start doing but doing requires stopping thinking and stopping thinking feels like death of possibility because in thought everything remains potential but potential energy is still just potential until converted to kinetic and kinetic requires movement and movement requires decision to move and decision is hardest part harder than actual movement would be but can't know that without deciding to move which requires faith that movement is better than stillness but stillness is comfortable and comfort is enemy of growth but growth is painful and pain is what I'm avoiding by staying still by staying safe by staying theoretical by staying potential by staying anything except starting because starting is irreversible admission that choosing one thing means not choosing everything else and everything else might be better but can't know without trying and trying requires starting and starting requires deciding and deciding requires accepting and accepting requires letting go of perfect version that exists only in imagination where everything works and nothing is difficult and I am person I pretend to be instead of person I am which is someone who watches other people be person I want to be while doing nothing to become that person except accumulate knowledge about being that person as if knowledge alone could transform without practice but practice requires starting and we've covered why that's impossible when there's always one more tutorial to watch

watch before ready to start but ready never comes just deeper understanding of how not ready I am which is progress of a sort if you squint and tilt your head and lower standards enough to count recognition of ignorance as achievement but achievement implies completion and nothing ever complete just abandoned at various stages of incompletion like archaeological dig through layers of creative failure each stratum representing different enthusiasm that burned bright before extinguishing under weight of reality where making things is hard and watching other people make things is easy so taking easy path every time because path of least resistance leads to youtube where someone explains complex topic in simple terms that make sense until I try to apply them then realize understanding was illusion created by their expertise not mine but their expertise gives hope that maybe someday could develop similar expertise if just watch enough tutorials take enough courses read enough documentation but enough is undefined quantity that grows with each consumption creating moving target impossible to hit because it moves faster than I do do being operative word that I don't operate with just think about operating while operator sits idle waiting for commands that never come because commander too busy learning command syntax to issue actual commands commanding nothing but respect for people who actually ship things while I'm still in dry dock accumulating barnacles of unused knowledge that slow me down more than help but scraping them off would require admitting they're barnacles not essential modifications for seaworthiness but seaworthiness untested because never left harbor too afraid of storms that might not even exist but definitely exist in imagination where every possible failure plays out in vivid detail preventing actual attempt that might succeed but success scarier than failure because success means no more excuses and excuses are comfortable blanket I've wrapped myself in so tightly can't move but movement overrated when you can watch other people move and feel vicarious sense of accomplishment that lasts until video ends then need another hit of borrowed achievement to maintain illusion of progress PROGRESS bar fills but nothing downloads just placeholder for actual progress that would require actual work but work is four letter word that implies effort and effort is what I'm optimizing away by learning shortcuts and frameworks and tools that promise to make everything easier but easier just means different kind of hard that I'm not prepared for so preparing more by learning about preparing by watching people who are prepared demonstrate their preparedness in tutorial format that I can consume without risk of failure because consumption can't fail only production can fail and production requires decision about what to produce and decision paralysis is safety net that catches me every time I lean toward actually making something but net made of excuses and tutorials and tomorrow's promises that today's me makes knowing tomorrow's me will make same promises to day after tomorrow in infinite deferral of action that would break cycle but breaking requires force and force requires energy currently dissipated across seventeen different interests none deep enough to matter but all shallow enough to maintain without effort like puddles after rain looking impressive until you step in and realize there's no depth just surface tension maintaining illusion illusion of competence shattered moment anyone asks to see actual work but nobody asks because everyone too busy with their own illusions maintained through careful curation of online presence suggesting productivity without evidence like resume with no job history just list of skills acquired through tutorials without application but application requires interview and interview requires portfolio and portfolio requires work and work requires starting and starting still impossible so updating linkedin with new buzzwords learned from latest tutorial series about technology I'll never use professionally but might someday if stars align and motivation strikes and inspiration flows and all other conditions perfectly met which they never are because perfect conditions don't exist except in tutorials where everything works first time and errors are teaching moments not existential crises about competence and worth and whether any of this matters when climate changing and world burning and I'm here worried about whether to use react or vue for project that doesn't exist yet and might never exist but definitely won't if keep debating framework choices instead of just picking one and building something anything even if it's wrong because wrong is data and data is learning and learning through doing is only real learning but doing requires starting and starting requires decision I've been deferring since discovered tutorials were easier than documentation and documentation was easier than thinking and thinking was easier than doing so choosing easiest path at every junction until arrived here at dead end of pure consumption producing nothing but anxiety about producing nothing while knowing solution is simple just start but simple doesn't mean easy and easy is what I've optimized for by creating elaborate system of learning about learning about doing without ever doing but system working perfectly if goal is avoiding doing which apparently it is based on results or lack thereof THEREOF being fancy word for nothing which is what I have to show for years of tutorial watching course taking documentation reading without ever transforming input into output except this stream of consciousness about inability to transform input into output which is output but not useful output just self-referential loop of acknowledgment without action like confessing sins without penance just awareness that changes nothing except now feel bad about feeling bad about not doing anything while continuing to not do anything because doing would require breaking pattern and patterns are comfortable even when they're prison cells of our own making made from finest materials of procrastination and self-doubt and imposter syndrome and every other psychological barrier to entry that I've collected like pokemon but these don't evolve just accumulate weight making movement harder with each addition but adding more anyway because collecting easier than creating and creating requires vulnerability I've spent on other things like arguing in comments sections about best practices for things I don't practice but theory is safer than practice because theory can't fail only be disputed and disputes are just words and words are easy compared to code that has to actually work not just sound like it might work in abstract discussion about architecture for buildings I'll never build but planning blueprints is almost like building if you don't think about it too hard and not thinking too hard is core competency along with thinking too hard about wrong things like which color scheme makes me look most productive while producing nothing but elaborate configuration files for tools that sit idle waiting for project that waits for decision that waits for courage that waits for tomorrow that never comes because tomorrow is today and today is yesterday and yesterday I said tomorrow so technically this is tomorrow but still feels like today and today doesn't feel like good day to start so maybe tomorrow but probably not because tomorrow will feel like today and today feels like every other day when I chose comfort over growth and consumption over creation and theory over practice and planning over doing and literally anything over starting because starting is scariest thing in world scarier than failure scarier than judgment scarier than success scarier than anything except continuing this pattern forever but forever is long time and time is what I have plenty of until I don't but by then it'll be too late to use so using none now in protest against mortality or something equally ridiculous that sounds profound at 3am when everything sounds profound especially reasons for not doing things that would give life meaning beyond accumulation of tutorials and theoretical knowledge about practical skills never practiced practically speaking I'm fraud but sophisticated fraud who knows all the terminology and can discuss concepts intelligently just can't implement them which is like being food critic who can't cook but at least food critics produce reviews I just produce nothing except elaborate excuses disguised as self-awareness but self-awareness without behavior change is just masochism with vocabulary

vocabulary expanding faster than portfolio which remains empty except for that one thing from three years ago that wasn't even good then and definitely isn't now but keeping it because something better than nothing except when something is so bad it might be worse than nothing but can't tell because need perspective and perspective requires distance and distance requires time and time is what I spend watching other people use their time productively while I observe and take notes that I'll never review because reviewing would reveal how little I've retained from all this consumption but retention isn't goal goal is feeling like I'm moving toward goal without defining goal because defined goals can be failed but undefined goals can be perpetually approached without ever arriving like zeno's paradox except instead of infinite halfway points it's infinite tutorials between me and actually making something something being lowest possible bar that I still can't clear because clearing would require jumping and jumping requires effort currently spent maintaining elaborate system of not jumping while feeling like I'm preparing to jump by studying jumping techniques and optimal jumping conditions and history of jumping and philosophy of jumping and everything except actual jumping because jumping might result in falling and falling hurts even though I'm already on ground can't fall further but feels like I could so staying still staying safe staying theoretical while time passes and opportunities disappear and potential atrophies from lack of use but at least have comprehensive understanding of why I'm not using potential which is something I guess but not something useful just something to think about while watching another tutorial about framework that promises to revolutionize web development but really just moves complexity around like shuffling deck chairs on titanic if titanic was my creative ambitions and iceberg was my inability to start anything ANYTHING would be improvement over nothing but nothing is safe nothing can't disappoint nothing can't fail nothing is perfect in its nothingness unlike something which is messy and complicated and requires decisions I'm not equipped to make because spent all time learning about making decisions instead of making them but learning feels productive even when producing nothing but elaborate mental models of what I would do if I did anything which I don't because doing requires starting and starting requires overcoming inertia that grows stronger every day fed by diet of tutorials and courses and documentation that teach everything except how to actually begin beginning being only skill that matters but can't be taught only experienced and experience requires action and action requires decision and decision requires acceptance that choosing one path means not choosing others and other paths might be better but can't know without walking and walking requires first step and first step is always hardest when you've spent years standing still analyzing different directions could go but never going anywhere just accumulating maps to places I'll never visit but might someday if ever develop courage to take single step in any direction but direction implies commitment and commitment implies possibility of wrong choice and wrong choice implies failure and failure implies I'm not smart as I think I am which is probably true but admitting that would require humility I've replaced with collection of bookmarks and certificates from online courses that prove I can follow instructions just not create anything original but originality overrated when you can remix tutorials into slightly different configuration and call it learning learning being generous description of what happens when information passes through without sticking like water through sieve but at least sieve gets wet and I absorb just enough to feel damp with knowledge that evaporates moment I try to use it because use requires understanding and understanding requires practice and practice requires doing and doing requires starting which brings us full circle to fundamental problem of being creature of preparation in world that rewards execution but execution sounds violent and creation should be gentle but gentle doesn't ship and shipping is only metric that matters but metrics don't capture process only results and results require completion and completion foreign concept when everything is perpetual work in progress that never progresses just accumulates complexity like katamari ball of good intentions rolling through field of tutorials picking up everything touching nothing deeply just surface level understanding of twenty different technologies instead of deep knowledge of one but depth requires commitment and commitment requires choosing and choosing still impossible when every choice could be wrong so making no choice which is choice to remain static while world moves around me creating illusion of motion through relative position but position hasn't changed just context has and context makes inaction look worse every year but looking worse isn't enough motivation to change when change requires effort and effort requires energy spent on maintaining status quo of elaborate preparation for moment that passed while I was preparing for it like missing life while planning life but planning feels like living when done with enough detail and detail is where devil lives and devil says one more tutorial won't hurt but one becomes ten becomes hundred becomes thousand and suddenly years have passed and all I have to show is knowledge about things I've never done and probably never will because will requires action and action requires starting and starting requires accepting that first attempt will be bad but bad is starting point not ending point except I've made it ending point by never starting so technically haven't failed just opted out of possibility of success by choosing perpetual preparation over imperfect execution EXECUTION being what separates dreamers from doers and I'm dreamer with nightmares about doing because doing might reveal dreaming was better than reality where things are difficult and messy and don't work first time or second time or hundredth time but eventually work if you keep trying but keeping trying requires starting trying and starting trying requires trying and trying is trying so I don't settling instead for easy comfort of watching other people try and succeed and fail and learn and grow while I remain frozen in amber of my own making preserved perfectly in state of potential that will never be realized because realization requires action and action requires decision and decision requires courage I spent on other things like maintaining elaborate fantasy about who I could be if I just tried but trying is scary and scary things are to be avoided so avoiding by learning about trying by watching people try by planning to try by everything except trying because trying might fail and failure would confirm suspicion that I'm not special just another person who learned bunch of stuff without doing anything with it but at least learning felt good in moment even if moment passed without creating anything lasting but lasting is overrated when everything ephemeral anyway including motivation which comes and goes like tide but mostly goes leaving behind debris of half-formed ideas and abandoned projects that could have been something if I'd stuck with them but sticking requires commitment and commitment requires decision and decision requires starting and starting still impossible so here we are full circle again like tutorial playlist on repeat learning same lessons different ways hoping repetition transforms into skill but skill requires practice and practice requires doing and doing requires starting and starting requires accepting imperfection and imperfection is all I have to offer but offering requires vulnerability and vulnerability is one thing tutorials can't teach only experience can provide but experience requires starting and starting is still impossible will always be impossible until moment it isn't but that moment hasn't come yet might never come probably won't come but maybe tomorrow definitely tomorrow unless new tutorial drops tonight

tonight there's always new tutorial dropping somewhere teaching something I don't need to know but might someday for project that doesn't exist except in quantum superposition of infinite possibility and zero probability collapsing into netflix when observation becomes too intense but intense is relative when baseline is perpetual mild anxiety about creative output that doesn't exist but should by now given years of preparation that prepared me for everything except actually doing thing I prepared for which is making things that exist outside imagination but imagination is comfortable space where everything works perfectly until try to implement then realize imagination skipped over hard parts like actually knowing how to do things instead of just knowing about them but about is enough for conversations at parties I don't attend because too busy learning about things to have time for doing things including social things but social things require energy saved for creative things that never happen because happening requires starting starting line keeps moving further away faster than I approach it like reverse race where standing still is losing but at least losing slowly enough to maintain illusion of eventual victory that gets less eventual every day but days blur together when spent same way watching same types of videos reading same types of articles saving same types of bookmarks to same folders that grow like tumors but benign tumors that don't kill just occupy space that could be used for actual work if actual work existed but existence requires creation and creation requires action and action requires decision and decision paralysis is terminal condition with no cure except doing but doing is symptom I'm trying to avoid by treating disease with more disease like homeopathy for procrastination diluting intention until nothing remains but memory of water that once contained purpose now just expensive placebo I self-administer through careful curation of learning materials that would be impressive if produced anything but only production is heat from processors processing nothing of value just tutorials about processing teaching me to process information about processing without actually processing anything myself MYSELF being construct built from consumption habits rather than creation habits identifying as creative person who creates nothing but elaborate justifications for creating nothing while knowing justifications are just padding around empty center where work should be but isn't because work requires starting and starting requires energy currently dispersed across so many interests that none receive enough attention to matter but mattering would require depth and depth requires focus and focus requires saying no to infinite possibility in favor of single actuality but actuality seems limiting compared to potential even though potential without kinetic is just physics term for nothing happening which accurately describes my creative practice if practice implies repetition of action rather than repetition of inaction but inaction is action if goal is avoiding action which apparently it is based on evidence of years spent preparing to act without acting like method actor who never takes stage just studies character forever becoming less themselves and more nobody in particular but particular would require specificity and specificity requires choice and choice requires elimination of options and options are all I have so eliminating them feels like death of possibility even though possibility without actuality is just fantasy and fantasy is where I live now in careful construction of theoretical knowledge about practical skills never practiced but practiced in theory which is like being virgin who watches porn thinking they understand sex but understanding and experiencing are different things entirely and experience requires participation and participation requires starting and starting requires accepting that theory and practice diverge immediately upon contact with reality where things are messy and difficult and don't follow tutorials because tutorials are simplified versions of reality designed to teach concepts not build things but building things is only way to really learn but really learning would reveal how much I don't know which is terrifying so staying in safe space of theoretical knowledge where everything makes sense until you try to use it then nothing makes sense but at least confusion is familiar friend by now now being only time that exists but treating it like preparation for future that never comes because future is always tomorrow and tomorrow is always day I'll start but starting today would ruin perfect record of not starting that I've maintained for years with dedication that would be impressive if applied to literally anything else but applying effort to procrastination is still effort right wrong but comforting lie I tell myself while queuing up another playlist of tutorials about technology I'll never use for project I'll never build but might someday when conditions are perfect and knowledge complete and confidence high and anxiety low and stars aligned and motivation sustained and inspiration clear and path obvious but obvious paths don't exist in creative work only machete through jungle of uncertainty hacking away at undergrowth of doubt and fear and imposter syndrome and every other psychological barrier I've cultivated like garden of exotic plants that produce no fruit just thorns that keep me from venturing beyond fence I built myself from finest materials of self-doubt and external validation seeking but validation requires output and output requires input beyond tutorials and input requires effort and effort requires starting and starting impossible when there's always excuse to delay and delay becomes habit and habit becomes identity and identity becomes prison and prison becomes home and home is where heart is and heart is full of dreams that stay dreams because dreaming safer than doing and doing requires waking up and waking up means admitting this has all been elaborate sleep walk through life avoiding life by learning about life instead of living but living requires participation and participation requires showing up and showing up requires work and work requires starting and starting still impossible but impossibility is just perspective and perspective can change but changing perspective requires effort currently spent maintaining current perspective that keeps me safe from failure and success equally because both require attempt and attempt requires decision and decision requires accepting that this moment right now is only moment that exists and in this moment could choose to start but won't because there's probably new tutorial that just dropped and maybe this one will be different maybe this one will finally teach me secret to starting that isn't just starting but is actually just starting disguised as something else something easier something that doesn't require courage I don't have but could develop if tried but trying requires starting and starting requires accepting that all these words are just elaborate way of avoiding simple truth that I'm scared and scared is okay but staying scared is choice I make every day by not making choice to start but choosing not to choose is still choice and choice I've made is to remain potential energy in system that rewards kinetic but kinetic requires movement and movement requires first step and first step requires faith that ground will hold but ground is made of accumulated knowledge without foundation of experience so might collapse but collapse would be data and data would be learning and learning through doing is only real learning but real is scary and theoretical is safe so staying theoretical staying potential staying preparation staying anything except starting because starting would mean admitting this is who I am person who prepares but never performs and performance anxiety is real but only cure is performing but performing requires practice and practice requires starting and starting requires accepting imperfection as price of progress but progress implies movement and movement implies direction and direction implies choice and choice implies commitment and commitment implies possibility of failure but also possibility of success but success might be worse because then would have to continue and continuing sounds harder than never starting so never starting wins by default like game forfeited before playing but at least can maintain illusion of potential victory that becomes less potential every day but days are long and years are short and years have passed while days filled with nothing but preparation for something that never comes because coming would require arrival and arrival would require journey and journey would require first step and first step still impossible so staying at starting line watching others race wondering what it feels like to run but running requires starting and starting requires decision to value progress over perfection but perfection is safe because it doesn't exist and progress is dangerous because it does but danger is where growth lives and growth is what I claim to want but wanting and doing are separated by chasm of fear that tutorials can't bridge only action can but action requires starting and starting is simple but simple doesn't mean easy and easy is what I've chosen by choosing nothing by choosing preparation over participation by choosing potential over kinetic by choosing fear over growth by choosing anything except starting because starting is hardest easiest thing in world that I make impossible by thinking about instead of doing but doing requires starting and starting is what I'll do tomorrow definitely tomorrow unless tonight there's new tutorial about how to start in which case I'll watch that first then definitely start tomorrow or next week or next year or never but probably never dressed up as definitely tomorrow in infinite loop of procrastination disguised as preparation for moment that exists only in future that never becomes present because present is when starting would happen and starting is still impossible despite being only thing necessary for everything else to follow but following requires leading and leading requires first step and first step requires courage spent on maintaining elaborate illusion that I'm creative person who just hasn't created yet but yet implies future and future implies change and change implies action and action requires starting and starting is still impossible will always be impossible until moment it isn't and that moment is always tomorrow never today but tomorrow is today and today is yesterday and yesterday I said tomorrow so maybe actually today but probably tomorrow definitely tomorrow after just one more tutorial one more course one more article one more excuse one more day one more year one more lifetime spent preparing to live instead of living but living requires starting and starting is still impossible until it isn't but it is so it won't so I don't so here we are here we stay here we remain in perpetual state of almost but never quite starting